Sweet Thing

If you would have asked me in 2000, what my "Medium" collection would have have looked like, I would have said MP3, eBooks, etc.  I now have found myself collecting and purchasing the physical media more then ever.  With the release of the Kindle/iPad, it was supposed to revolutionize the way we lived and read.  It didn't in my case.  The iPod has changed how I listen to music on the go but not at home.  Doesn't change the fact that I like to feel a book in my hand, flip through record inserts and hold a piece of art in my hand.  The fact that people will not be doing any of this in a few years is upsetting to me.  They are missing out on something special.  Question to ponder..

How can companies honestly charge a few dollars less for a digital version when you arent getting anything other then 0's and 1's?  Sell the medium, give the digital for free...The art lives...

The Hope Conspiracy - Hope Bound Heart

I dont know what is harder.  Coming to the realization that the world isn't what you want it to be or that life continues to move all around you without consulting you first.  When you get that punch in the face from the right and not the left, it hurts even more.  I guess this is a month that shall live inside me more then the previous 8.  This is the defining one and will show me what I am and what I have become.  Less then 1.5 months until surgery so lets keep it going correct and moving forward and not stalled in past.  I will continue to live in the present and see life as it is, not at it could or should and can be...just is.

I leave for South Carolina in a few days for a wedding.  Bow tie is ready to be unleashed.  I look hot, not gonna lie.  I am siked to see my brother and niece again and spend some time with them.  Not looking forward to the drive but it will be nice to be on the road, thinking and seeing the roads ahead....

I've got 100 resolutions, but I've got no solutions...

When this whole spiritual journey started, I didn't know where things were going to take me.  I knew that I wanted to feel something, what that thing was, I was quite sure.  I know I wanted to feel at peace with both myself, others I held close and the world around me.  How this was going to be done was the question.  I started reading and studying and talking to people.  It was amazing what I learned and what was more amazing was what I learned about myself.  I learned to love myself for who I was, not who I could be.  It was an amazing feeling that I didn't think was entirely possible.  Meditation helped bring me to this spot that I am at and I have to say this journey has been amazing.

Through all my studying, I kept coming across this word renunciation.  I always played it off as not necessary or I would be able to allow things to happen and not renounce.  BUT, I have learned that is truly not possible.  I have learned that you cannot give your suggestions or feelings on topics that do not directly effect you.  By doing so, you are directly or indirectly judging others and this is not right.  You also do not know what people ulterior motives are.  Regardless of the outcome, it can negative effects on you that you did not foresee.  From this day forward, I will be working on the practice of renunciation.  I will give my opinion only when needed but will not be getting involved in peoples decisions and peoples lives.  You cannot trust people to always have positivity in their hearts, some are wolves in sheep clothing but you cannot tell this until it is too late. 

This doesn't mean I am going to be a different person, this just means I am taking a step back from everyone and letting them get things together.  I will listen and give opinions ONLY when asked but I cannot suggest what you should do.  Unfortunately, I cannot take back the advice I gave someone special to me when I didn't know how wrongly it would be handled.  I am also at fault for other reasons but these are things I will also learn from and live by to never do again.  This entry was hard to write because of the emotion I have behind it.  I didn't want to be too descriptive but I also didn't want to be so vague that I lost everyone reading this.

Small Change Got Rained On, With His Own .38....

I am sitting in the back seat of my parents car after a long weekend and an even longer drive back from NC.  DAMN YOU VIRGINIA! It was awesome to see my brother but even better to see my beautiful niece.  It can get really upsetting to not see her grow up.  Every time I see her, she is so much older, more beautiful and even smarter then the last time.  At breakfast this morning, it was decided that we will re-enact Bad Boys 2 when she gets to the dating age.  I will drive or fly to NC and open the door for the lucky boy.  He will shit is pants when he sees The Uncle Bean and the Father.

We ended up going to a children's museum in Raleigh called Marbles.  Tash literally ran around for hours discovering stuff, creating art and learning so much.  It was amazing watching her go.  My brother is a great father and kept up with her the entire time and did everything and anything she wanted.  I watched the other parents just let their kids go and have 0 interaction with them.  Sad to see the disconnect from parent and child at such a young age, but you can only hope they will learn their lesson.  We also went to the worst outlet mall in history on Sat.  I was siked to see a Used Book store because I was pretty much finished with my current one (The Alchemist...READ IT).  I walked in and noticed that 3/4 of the store was Christian Books and in EVERY sub-genre you can imagine.  They had 1 rack of fiction. 1 rack.  I guess thats the south for you....

I can't believe the change my life has taken since January.  I never thought that while I was in Boston for work last week, I would walk 4 miles to a Shambhala Center for meditation and Dharma discussion or starting tomorrow, I would become Vegan for real this time.  Seeing things from the outside and seeing how much you decisions cost others, it really makes you stop and think.  When you start to look at all living creatures as sentient beings and knowing that you should not consciously cause suffering, it really makes you think about your actions.  Things are going really well but at the same time I have a void deep down inside me that has always been a "thorn in my side".  Starting on Saturday, I start volunteering at the Soup Kitchen.  I am really looking forward to it.  Hopefully it will be extremely rewarding and I will feel that I am using my energy to help others.  The following weekend, I think I am going to a Puppy Mill awareness rally with my good friend April.  Hopefully being active will help fill some of the emptiness I am feeling.  Surgery is coming up in less then 2 months.  Not looking forward to it but looking forward to my shoulder actually being fixed.  My biggest concern is coming out of anesthesia.  I always have such a hard time with it and always get really sick.  It sucks.  BUT...Back to work tomorrow.  I am almost to my house and I will get my ass to sleep.  Work and DharmaPunx meditation session tomorrow night.  Lets keep the POSI ish flowing...

"What Does It All Mean, Phase"

I just finished watching High Fidelity for the one millionth time and that movie always makes me question things.  Be it a top 5 list, questioning motives or even mortality and as Rob says "I've been listening to the guts since I was 14 and I am starting to think my guts have shit for brains".  I am starting to believe that statement more and more.

Since I have come back from Europe, there has been a whirlwind of emotions going through my head about everything.  Maybe scheduling an appointment with my Orthopedist the day I came back was not the most advisable thing to do.  Knowing that he would have nothing but bad news, I just didn't know how bad it was going to be.  In fact, I still don't know but it was bad enough for him to tell me to make an appointment to have my CT scan read and discussed ASAP and he will rearrange his schedule to fit me in.  That never makes you feel good about the situation.  I have been having a lot of anxiety about that to be honest.  Also, the urge to drink has been hitting me pretty damn hard.  I have been able to kick those emotions to the curb as of late.  I have some of the greatest friends close to me to help put things into prospective and help me realize how unnecessary all of this is.

I also start my volunteering next weekend on Saturday at Elijah's Promise in New Brunswick.  I think I need to feel/see the fruits of my labor helping others.  I don't see that day in and day out when I work a million hours and then spend or waste, depending on how you look at it, 20 hours a week just commuting.  I do try to constructively use that time by reading and practicing some of the new meditative practices I am learning but there are times when it just cuts you so deep.  Especially when you do the math and realize that I spend 45 complete days a year on the train (that is with no delays or traffic).  Maybe calculating that was not the best idea, for my own sanity.  I made the decision to live where I live and I do not regret it.  I think I am just looking for more and not finding yet.  The feeling of being lost is very hard to come to grips with but I know one day, I will no longer be lost.  I have been working so hard on finding the right path that I know it is not going to be laid out in front of me.  I need to get lost a hell of a lot more in order to stumble upon what I am looking for.  This whole thing/life is a work in progress.  Its getting better with each set back but each set back makes it a little hard to keep going.  Thank you to my family and friends for believing and driving me to continue.  I am pretty discouraged with things right now but I know this rut will soon be over.  I over think things a little too much but that is also one of my better qualities, sometimes.

Prop 8

When did love become right or wrong?  When did we say you couldn't love someone because others don't agree?  We live in a sad state but things are slowly coming around.  I fully encourage and endorse Gay Rights and Same Sex Marriage.  I wouldn't want someone to tell me that I couldn't love the person I loved.  Just because I am straight doesn't mean those different from me are wrong... We have all dated someone people did agree with or though was "wrong for us".  Imagine if they made it illegal to do it.  Makes we question those me have elected or "represent" us.  Separation of church and state is slowly fading away...

A Break from Your Reguarly Scheduled Programing!

I am almost done with part 3 of the tour story...in fact, my brother just sent me some pictures and video from it and really helps me re-live what happened over there..Such an amazing journey...

BUT....

That is not the point of this post.  Just have some stuff I want to get off my mind.  Since I have been home, emotions have been high.  I think its been kind of rough re-adjusting back to my routine.  The idea of wake up, shower, commute, work, commute, sleep is really starting to take a toll on me.  I find my temper just as short as it was before I left and it really bums me out.  I have pretty much narrowed it all down and I think I know the causes of this but I cannot do anything about it right now.  That also compounds frustration when you are stuck.  I will try to stay positive and take things as they come.  This morning was eye opening for me and I saw that I need to make a more external change for myself.

I had a CT scan this morning and I found myself wanting the test to end because I "had a train to catch".  I have always let everything around me dictate my life, never what was best for me.  Letting go of everything external and allowing your life to be about you has always been such an alien idea for me.  My life was always about work or something else.  I never took the time to discover who I was or what I needed.  Over the last few months, I really took the time to do that but I still held onto one last "vice" if you will.  I allowed work to be the deciding factor of everything and not my own self.  I still hold onto that, mainly for responsibility reasons, but I have been working on allowing MY life to matter more then my work.  And this morning, more changes happened...

I try to walk to and from Penn Station both in the morning and at night.  I use this time to unwind from the commute or from the day and get some air and think.  This morning was like any other day until I got to 3rd Ave.  I see homeless people all the time and help them when I can but forget about them as fast as I see them.  This morning, I came across this man who wasn't your stereotypical homeless dude.  He didn't look crazy, have a shopping cart with cans and a boom box or smell 30 proof.  He looked like some dude that could be your neighbor wearing a Knicks Hoodie, a huge suitcase and a sign that said Out of Work and Homeless.  Reading the news, you are filled with fear.  Fears of a double dip recession, increased foreclosures and consumer spending decreasing because saving is increasing.  When we get passed the corporate greed and the fact that the majority of us work to make others (not ourselves, communities, etc) richer, I ask what is it all for?  I cant worry if there is going to be a market collapse.  I cant worry if I am going to lose my job because I could be let go tomorrow and they will continue on without me as if nothing happened.  Forgotten as soon as remembered.  There are decision makers sitting in their posh offices and homes, making decisions that affect every single one of us without knowing who we are or what our story is.  Caring whether we eat or live because their minds are on the bottom line not on what is the best thing to do for people.  The point?  As soon as I got to work this morning, I called both the local Soup Kitchen and Food Bank to volunteer.  I feel that I have become so wrapped up into this life that makes no real impact most of the time that I need to feel as if I am making a difference, even if it is as simple as helping someone eat or giving out food at a Food Bank.  I don't want to just stay as self involved as I have been.  I have done so much for myself that I feel that I need to do things for others...its such a weird feeling because it seems so natural but something I have never really took the time to do.  I look forward to helping others in need because I can.  Its so easy to say you will, you might, wish you had time, or any other excuse I have made then to actually do something.  The couple hours I give on the weekends could be (and hope)  the most rewarding hours I spent all week on something. 

Thanks for reading.  I needed to get these words out.  If you can spare the time, looks for ways in your community to help.  If the shoes were on the other feet, you would hope people would think about helping you...

EUROPE PART DUEX!

We had a ridiculously early van call the next morning because we had a "Chunnel" reservation for 8am.  The Chunnel is Train that runs in the Channel Tunnel and brings you and your vehicle into France.  After a much needed bathroom break (NORMAL URINALS! I hate the UK for the piss trenches.) we drove onto the train.  I decided it was time I catch a little sleep so I pulled my lawn chair out of the van and set it up in the train.  I must have looked homeless and/or retarded but I didn't care, it was comfortable.  There was a family of popped collars behind us in an Audi, the father had a pink long sleeve on.  Check FB, I took a picture.  I am sure I was White Trash to them.  I was woken up after what seemed like 2 minutes and we were in France.  The French countryside sells like cow shit, everywhere you go until you get into Paris.  I saw their Nuclear power plant, horrible graffiti skills and had my first legit French Baguette.  I am sure i would have insulted them when I slathered it with Peanut Butter but man was it delicious.  After 6 hours of driving and smelling feces, we made it into Paris.  The club that night was awesome.  It was called Batofar.  It was a boat docked in the channel and you play under the deck.  Technically you are playing in the water.  At one point, I knew the dudes were talking smack about us because they kept staring at us, laughing and talking in French.  We stuck it to them when we packed the boat and killed it.  The kids went off and ended up hanging out after the show outside the boat. But I just got ahead of myself…After we loaded in, Chris asked me if I wanted to see the Eiffel Tower.  I was pumped so PC and Ryan decided to come so the 4 of us hopped the train and went to the tower.  The train has no compassion for anything in their doors.  They slam closed and amputate anything in their path.  I know because I almost became Lt. Dan and lost half my leg in it.  We managed to piss off some french lady with the door debacle but if I was french, I would be pissed to.  After a very hot, stank ass train ride (apparently they like to smell their own stench) we made it to the tower.  That thing is huge.  It seemed so surreal to be standing in front of this thing that you always see in movies and pictures.  On our way to it, we stopped to watch this really homo erotic  break dancing that included dressing like women, nipple rubbing and hair humping that a few hundred people were watching.  Meanwhile, legit hip/hop break dancing was taking place 30 yards away and no one seemed to care… We decided we had enough and wanted to walk underneath the tower.  There was a massive queue for the trip to the top that we decided to skip it and head back to the train for the show.  Standing underneath it, you get a real sense of the massive size this thing is.  Its unreal and a true marvel.  PC decided to get his son Jack one of these mechanical dogs he saw these dudes selling.  As he got closer, he saw that the dogs were filthy and one didn't even have an eye.  He turned and walked away and then this crazy Indian dude kept trying to sell it to him.  After telling him to, well you know, he finally left us alone.  We made it back to the club for a great show.  We had a reservation at an F1.  An F1 is a mix between a Hostel and a motel.  Its a room with a bunk bed but no bathroom, only a sink.  It is pretty ghetto but interesting to see.  This is the same chain of hotels an unnamed person "Waffle Stomped".  I cannot tell you what that means but it consists of a shower drain, poop and a flip flop on a foot.  Most amazing story I have ever heard.  Puts all of mine in check and not sure they can beat it to be honest… 

Apparently in my sleep, I punch my brother in the face.  I was broken this info when i woke up the next morning.  I don't remember any of this happening, so I have to take his word on this.  After being punch back for my earlier actions, we headed outside to wait for the rest of the band.  We are then approached by some hooker who was leaving the "motel" asking us for a cigarette.  She was kinda pretty but she had all these sores on her face.  Pretty rank and I felt kinda bad for her, and in normal Catch 22 fashion,  we proceeded to knock at her when we drove past her while she waited for the bus.  We are dicks and grown-up children.  We headed out on the highway for the worst ride ever.  16 hours…in a lawn chair on our way to Spain.  We ended up making a "short" stop a few hundred KM from the Espana border.  The 1 hour stop turned into 3 so I pulled my SWEET chair out and setup camp on the sidewalk in France.  The looks I got were priceless, but for those of you that are keeping tabs, it has now become a 19 hour drive.    My home away from home no longer had a back or a stable foundation!  At the 2nd rest stop in Spain, the chair is launched out of the van and now I need to find a new place to sit..BUT what is this I see?  A huge building, no windows and a florescent sign blinking "Club Millennium".  What would you say that is, yes me too, a strip club, open in Spain at 2am (20 hours into the drive).  Everyone tells me to go "check it out", so i "unwillingly" oblige.  So here I am, a gringo, covered in tattoos walking into a strange club at 2am.  There are the tell tale heavy curtains in front of the entry way, the smell of bleach, perfume and broken dreams and BOOM…Its a M-F-ing whore house…i have never in my life, ran out of a place faster.  As i get back to the van, the NJ in me kicks back in…I am asked, "so was it a strip club" and my response was…"Nope, it was a fucking whore house and had a bunch of sketchy Mexicans outside"….The look on everyone face was priceless and I was berated for 10 mins on how they are Spanish, not Mexican and how I am racist…Dicks…We end up leaving this god awful rest stop and head towards Viverio, Spain.  I am now sitting next to KG who sits like he is is stirrups for a gynecological exam and quickly started to miss the lawn chair I have so recently loathed.  At 6am, we arrived at the hotel to find out it is sold out and no rooms are available.  Rooster pleaded with them and they agreed to give us 2 rooms that haven't been cleaned yet so we could get a few hours of sleep.  The rooms were sleazy but the beds were already broken in and there was a Beday!  I could get fresh and clean, the French way!    After a much needed 2 hours of sleep, We head over to the Futbol field where the festival is being held, I drop off the merch and head back to the hotel.  I get out of the van to check the front desk if they have clean rooms available yet and to pick up the keys.  As I walk out to the van, rooster decided to get revenge on me for, i am guessing, making fun of his use of the letter "hetch" or H to all of you NON queens English speakers.  As I am getting into the van he speeds away and I am now chasing the van around the hotel grounds.  I am being laughed at by the band, people at the pool and now members of No Use For a Name and Lagwagon and I pass their room.  I jump in the van and tell him to go fuck himself but it was funny.  We shower, get the band together and head back to the pitch.  Long story short, 8-10 thousand people were at the show and the 22 killed it and then the drinking began.  Chris and PC found the Jager, they got drunk but Ian got trashed.  Chris from Lagwagon comes over to me after Ian creeped out who I think was Joey Cape's GF or wife, not sure and asks if Ian would like a shot of some insane vodka that looks like Jager and tastes like "Satan's Semen".  Seeing that Ian is swaying like a flag in the wind, I tell him no he is OK.  I run to the gnarliest bathroom ever and when I come back, I see LW Chris with a bottle and they are clapping and laughing.  He comes up to me and tells me to "check out my boy!"  Ian is now standing by himself, doing double windmills slowly over and over again. Needless to say, we have to carry Ian out of there while both Lagwagon and NUFAN clap and laugh.  Mission Accomplished on their end but the joy of taming a beast has just started.  We have to continually throw Ian in the van over and over.  He wasn't ready to stop Raging apparently.  After much "convincing", he agrees to stay in the van and rooster can put him to bed.  As we are leaving Chris and I decided to steal not 1 for 2 new "thrones" for me to sit on in the van.  One is this massive white plastic chair (stolen by Chris) and I went with the classier wooden folding chair.  Thank god for chris because the wooden one was a POS.  Find out what happens to both chairs later on, it keeps getting better and better!  

We stop by Ian's room in the morning and there it is.  A mysterious gash on his head and a black eye.  We are all unsure of how it happened and he has no clue.  After some investigation, we decided that we make shit detectives and give up on the case and proceed to make fun of him.  We are a family and that is what families do!  We load into the van and head towards some city I cannot remember to fly to Barcelona and then fly to Russia.  

Part 3 SOON!  Flights to Russia and the Manchurian Candidate!  Its now turning longer and longer because things are getting better and better.  Also, sorry this thing is so choppy, so many things went on, its impossible to make them flow into each other!

EUROPE PART 1!!!

I have been meaning to update for a long time. I caught a lot of crap from friends (damn you Glenn and company) for not doing this sooner. Considering I have finally gotten over jet lag, my allergy attack is subsiding and my shoulder keeps dislocating…again this morning in my sleep…I have been a little preoccupied. But the time has come for me to put all my feelings down on paper for the world to read or any one who cares about the amazing journey I was on. This will be so long…I am breaking it up…3 parts. It is nice to reflect and bring it all in. I started to update while on the road but I didn't think it would do it justice! Thanks for being patient!

First and foremost, I need thank my brother Chris and the rest of the C22 crew. I saw and experienced things I may never have in my life. Who else can say they sang on stage in front of hundreds and hundreds of people in Russia, Germany, Belgium and the UK? Not many, but I did. It was awesome. And my brother also needs a little more recognition. He really has been amazing through my changes and also worked on showing me around Europe, even to places he had already seen. I wouldn't want to have taken that trip with anyone else. Thank dude, I love you.

Now, onto the good stuff. We had a 930 flight out of beautiful Newark Airport into Heathrow. 5 days prior to the flight, many of you know that I had a pants shitting/fire incident in my house so being without AC in 100+ heat made me ready to pack and leave and see what the world had in store…and I was ready for all of it. At least I thought I was. The flight was as uncomfortable as expected, except the free veggie meal was decent. Unlike US airlines that charge you for a drink of water. I sat next to a girl that had the state of NJ tattooed in her armpit. She ruled and we managed to make fun of everyone on the plane. It made time go a little faster even though it felt like it was crawling. We landed in Heathrow, gathered our bags, made it through customs and met up with our Tour Manager, Rooster. He looked like the bastard son of Captain Spaulding and the King from the 300 (sans abs) with the homer squiggly hair line tattooed on his scalp. I literally busted his balls the entire time and by the end, I think he found it endearing. He really didn't have a choice but he did get back at me many times…Making me run after the van in Spain and almost taking my knee/body out with the door at a rest stop in France. All in all, he was a great dude and totally missed.

The first show was in Brighton. As shore town in England which coincidentally, has a very huge gay community and unfortunately, we missed the lesbian mud wresting by a few days. But Chris did get a flyer for a Pre-Op Tranny hooker which he unknowingly advertised around the city on his bag. We explored the city a little bit, I had my first cup of proper English tea at a bar and then went to the venue. The show was at this club called the Hydrant and it was the first show with our homeys The Junk. Great band and an even better bunch of dudes. The turn out was good and the energy was great. It was an awesome way to start of the tour. Glenn made the journey from Maidstone to Brighton and it was really really good to see him. We had a couple shows with The Junk so we didn't have to say the sad good byes just yet. After the show, we headed to the Travelodge for a night sleep. 3 hours is better then nothing after being awake for almost 48. I blew my back out somehow, so the entire tour I was doing down dog to stretch it out. KG hated it because my ass crack was always hanging out. In fact, my ass crack was out the entire tour and by the end, I think he started to enjoy it. He did shove my 40oz Klean Kanteen down my boxers…Thats a good sign right?



The next morning, Ian looked like he got his by a bus, Rooster asked how the night was, as if he didn't know. I ate some breakfast at the Travelodge. Everyone in the band got the "Full Fry Up" which consists of eggs, potatoes, baked beans, sausage, bacon, tomatoes and mushrooms. I had cereal and yogurt which was surprisingly good for hotel food! The next show was in this small farming town called Norwich. Dirty Rev and The Skints played. The Skints were unreal. The show was amazing. Dirty Rev killed it and The Skints blew me away. The kids were great, it was hot as hell, but totally worth it. Had some delicious curry from some local Indian spot. We didn't really see or do anything in Norwich..it was a bunk city but still cool to see. the club however was a hole. Smelled like piss the ceiling was leaking and had no fans. the bathroom had a trench on the floor you peed into. Really weird. Somewhere between Nottingham and Norwich, I purchased this ghetto lawn chair to use the in van. It was so ungodly uncomfortable in that death trap, so the POS chair made it a little better…It wouldn't last long however….

The final show in the UK took place in London at a club called the Relentless Garage. It was this cool little place in the outskirts of the city. By the English version of the "Projects"…no where near as ghetto as the projects in the US. We loaded into the club and had many hours to kill…Ian tried to slam a warm beer and proceeded to projectile vomit out side the club. The majority of the band decided to go for a walk and stop at a pub for a pint. I stole a Guinness mug for Decker and had a Ginger Beer (alcohol free!) and steal their wireless. Ryan ran into Lone Star from The Planet Smashers, he stopped into the pub and said hello and left. I wanted to go to the British Boot Company for a new pair of Docs but we never made it. Everyone split off for food before the show. I grabbed the most delicious roll from an English bakery and some food from a local Health Food Spot - Hummus and Cheddar Sandwich and this Quiona salad. AMAZING! The Skints and The Junk played amazing sets. My friend Tim made it out to the show, it was good to see him and catch up on old times. I ended up hanging out a lot with both bands, exchanged contact info and promised to stay in touch. We all said our sad good byes but we made some good friendships and I offered my house if they ever made it out to the States. Those dudes are always welcome. This trip was looking to be just what i needed to unwind from the hell i call daily life. Amazing music, friends, family and adventure!

NEXT STOP FRANCE!

Part 2 coming tomorrow hopefully!

Day 2 and 3!

Apparently, the Internets in the UK is hard to come by. And since I am cheap and the exchange rate totally sucks, I will jack free internet anytime that I can. The shows have been amazing so far. Tons of kids every night but its been hot as hell...and no matter how crappy and how hot, it sure beats work, ANY DAY. This post is going to be weird and scattered and short. Sorry about this.

Yesterday, after the show in Nottingham, they had an after party for the band. Most of us ended up going and it was a blast. Music, hanging out and insanity ensued. A chick was passed out so i started to take pictures of her. Then I can called for an impromptu group shot with her (i will post pictures when I get home). We then had to carry a band member back to the hotel over 1.5 miles. It was just an amazing and releasing night. I was able to totally let go of work and everything to just relax and live in the moment. It was awesome.

Tonights show was in a farm town called Norwich. Ton of kids showed up but it was BY FAR, the hottest show I have been to in the longest time. A reggae band called the Skints played and I was just blown away with how good they were. They had a girl member who just kept pulling instruments out and played. It was unreal how talented she was and how good this band is. I spoke to them about doing a record with them in the states. It was awesome.

All in all, 3 days in and I can honestly say my mind is in a different place then it usually is. I miss all of you but I will totally make it a point to keep in touch with you guys and see all of you when I get home. Be safe and be well!!

Exhaustion Brings Clarity

I have slept 1 hour since 7am Saturday morning. It is now 8:44 pm GMT (1:44sm EST). In 6 hours, I will have slept for 1 hour in 2 days. Although I am completely exhausted and smell homeless, I am having a great time. Being so far removed from work is such an amazing thing. Seeing how completely different the UK is compared to the US is really eye opening. I now know I have lived such a "small" life. Never leaving the US or experiencing other cultures, it makes me regret not doing this sooner but doing this for the first time with my brother really makes it feel right. The people I have met both on the way here and in the UK really makes me realize that this is how it was supposed to work. For the first time, I have my eyes open to what is happening around me and I am seeing the signs I am doing the right thing. Also doing this on tour with Catch 22 is just amazing.

The day before I left, I spent a lot of time meeting up with friends and it truly felt amazing. I know that I am blessed with some of the greatest people and the fact that I can share what I am doing with them feels great. Talking to them about everything, hearing their opinions and similar feelings really help me with growing and reaching the next level. I know what I am doing is right on so many levels and the clarity I have in the present moment is refreshing and amazing.

When we landed in Heathrow, it was a decent wait to get through customs. We eventually met up with out Tour Manager, Rooster, and headed towards the first show in Brighton. We spent some of the day walking around the city and seeing what this place has to offer. It has a pretty cool Pier/Amusement Park similar to Santa Monica. The weather could not have been nicer, sunny and 70 degrees. So much better then the stifling heat I left behind in NJ. We grabbed lunch at this small fish and chips place. All I had was tea but it felt good to just sit and relax and just live in the moment. Something I am not used to doing considering work takes over 95% of my life. After lunch we headed to the venue, The Hydrant, to load in all the equipment and sound check. I set counted and set up the merch and got ready for the show to start. My good friend Glenn ended up driving almost 2 hours to the show and it was really awesome to see him. The show is still going on and I am sweating to death but stay tuned, more to come! I miss all of you and will see you all soon.

Carpet Matches the Curtains

The explosion of my AC fuse box and subsequent fire cannot stop this flow of positive energy that I have. The lack of AC isn’t really affecting me that much either. I think I am finally a spot in my life that I am content with everything that is happening. I finally have a grasp on the things that I let happen and brush off the things that will bring negativity into my life. This journey doesn’t seem to have a beginning or an ending but I know I am on the right path. The people that I have around me really give me inspiration to continue. Each apology I have made so far really makes me one step closer to who I am and where I need to be. Thank you to everyone that listened to what I had to say whether you understood where it was coming from or not and whether you felt like you needed one or even wanted to hear what I had to say. You did and I gave it to you. This process is not over. There are many more people deserving of it and I will get you each of you in due time.

I can finally say that I am at a point in my life that the Outside matches the Inside (or the carpet matches the curtains if you will). The truth really has set me free...

....untitled....

It is a great thing to be proud of who you are. Its another thing to be totally blinded by pride. Years ago, one of my best friends at the time and I had a huge falling out. We didn’t speak for many years over this. At one point, it got extremely ugly with multiple family members getting involved and it got completely blown out of proportion but at that the same time, you cannot fault family for sticking together. Anger and pride kept us from talking and working out our differences, it was also much easier to ignore it then to own up to being wrong. Things would change drastically and permanently one day.

I remember this day like it was yesterday and like the worst nightmare you can never wake up from. I was sitting at work and I get a messages that one of my closest friends for 10 years had killed himself. Accidental overdose. He had been suffering for years with depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Sometimes you just do not know what to do for a friend that is hurting so much or what you can do to ease the pain. Immediately, flights were booked home from all over the world (Poland, Hawaii, etc), pick up of friends from train stations took place and we were just trying to get everyone together so we can both mourn and celebrate his life together as a family. It was a sad but beautiful day. It was a gathering of friends that are more like family you never get see. Unfortunately, it takes an event like this to get everyone together but due to the rat race of life, it’s almost impossible for everyone be in the same place at the same time. They had 4 viewings over 2 days for him and the amount of laughs and tears shared was overwhelming. Everyone got up and told stories about our friend, all the stupid things we did together, how he will be missed and how much we cherished the time we spent together. New friends were made and bond restored with friends long forgotten about.

On the way home from the first night of the viewing, my friend who I had fought with years ago kept popping into my head. While on the parkway, I swallowed my pride and allowed myself to become as vulnerable as I knew inside that I was. Fighting back tears, I called him to apologize for what had happened between us. The problems I caused with his family and how burying a close friends put things into perspective. When you lose a family member, and I treat all my friends like family, you need to surround yourself with those you care about, strained relationships or not. The next day, I saw him for the first time in years. We gave a friendly hug and gave each other our sympathies. It was nice to see him after so long and it was also amazing how events can bring people back together.

Is our relationships perfect and/or 100 % mended? Absolutely not. Our differences still stand to this day but at the same time, we can be friendly towards one another and have conversation that was once impossible years ago. If each of us worked on mending strained relationships, imagine how much better we would all be. If we can admit our wrongs and come to terms with them and those we have hurt, your life starts to take a totally different shape. With the amount of suffering that exists in this world, we should not be adding to it with petty differences but work together to help end it.

I have thought a lot about Paul Fuller over the last few months and the things he never got to see. Good friends Adam and Bonnie getting married and expecting their first child, Amy getting married with the Hawaiian celebration, numerous record release shows, tours, graduations and all of us growing old together. He brought us all back together and it’s almost like he fulfilled some sort of duty to bring us as a family back together. Ive never written about the loss of my friend Paul and I hope this little story does him a little justice. If it wasn’t for him, I would still be angry about things that didn’t matter. RIP Paul, you are gone but in my head and my heart. I took your picture back out of storage as a reminder of how fragile life is. I do not want to lose another family member to bring all of us back together and forgive wrongs done and done to us.

...Means to an End

I think one of the hardest parts of this process is looking inside to see all of the positive and negative things you have done. The positives are the easy part. Who doesn’t like to know how great they are, it’s the negatives that hurt and sting. I have been dong a lot of thinking and self-analyzing over this past year. Until recently, I found it so easy to just ignore all the suffering I caused, never making amends to anyone I hurt. Recently, I have been calling or contacting those I hurt to apologize and give closure to the both of us. I think closing unfinished chapters is really helping me move forward and come to terms with where I am in my life. I know this is still the easy part but it can get uncomfortable at many times. It also makes it so much easier and you feel so much better once it is out in the open and we both get closure. This will continue on until my list complete. But anyone who knows me, that is a long list.

Ill publicly state this also. Sorry to all you Smiths/Moz fans. I like them after giving them a chance…Moz solo is still unlistenable.

Part II

And now, onto the new me… Well not really new, same old dude just rediscovered.

It wasn’t that I never liked who I was; I was always too self-conscious to be who I knew I could be. My weight was always my mental Achilles Heel. It wasn’t until I went to Hawaii and saw all of my old Jersey friends that had moved out there and met all the members of my new Hawaiian family that I realized the way I was living my life was over. When I left for Honolulu, I had a cold that wouldn’t go away. I had it for a few weeks but never got better. I had no choice, I was going and there was nothing anyone could do about it. 12 hours, a viewing of Used Cars, Frisky Dingo and 1 book later, I arrived (along with Lil’ Lisa) at Honolulu Airport. We had to go immediately from HNL airport to some sports bar for a joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party, which consisted of singing and drinking. As I walked in, everyone welcomed me with open arms, met some of the most amazing and positive people in this world. This was an amazing start to a life-changing journey (which at the time, I thought it was just a trip).

The next day we decided to go on a journey around Oahu and see some of the tourist and secret local spots. Bill Cashman, the Lost nerd that he is, was doing his Lost pilgrimage around the entire island. He was seeing all the places filmed, sneaking onto sets and totally geeking out. He decided to take a day off from his fanboy-ing and come for a trip to “The Spot” and hike through the rain forest for a waterfall jump. “The Spot” is this short walk off of the hiking trails along the shoreline to a point that extends into the ocean. On one side, there is a plank walk, ala pirate ship-esc, that extends 15 feet into the ocean and on the other is a rock barrier that the waves just explode on. It was beautiful. The jump however was not as dangerous as I was hoping so I never jumped in. Next stop, the waterfall. It was a 2-hour hike through a muddy rain forest to reach it. I fell 3 times – once standing still in the middle of a conversation and 2 other times into the streams. To say it was hard would be an understatement but when we got to the end and it opened up into this beautiful waterfall, it was all worth it.

There are 3 spots that you can jump from, 15 feet, 30 feet and 60 feet. Billy told me that the 60-foot jump is life changing but I didn’t believe him. So, like the moron that I am, I decided to go for it and jump from the top. To get up there, you had to climb a muddy hill using your hands and long stalks of bamboo. Once I go to the top, all bets were off. Being the heaviest I have ever been in my life, standing on a muddy ledge 60 feet above the water, I didn’t think I could do it. I had my friends yelling to jump, me yelling back OK but every time I went to jump, something inside stopped me. All off a sudden, something in my head just let go and I was in the air, flying towards the water. The second I hit the water, my shoulder dislocates and I hit the bottom (I am told no one has hit bottom before, then again, no one weighed as much as I did). As I came back up to the surface, the waterfall kept pushing me under. Since my shoulder was in my armpit, I couldn’t swim. Billy jumped into the water and pulled me out. All I could say was how amazing that was and how I wanted to reset my shoulder and do it again. It took 1.5 hours for me to get it back in but we had to hike while it was still dislocated so we could get out of the forest before it was dark. Billy was awesome and we walked through the stream since I couldn’t walk in the mud with my shoulder like it was. We sang Bad Brains most of the time and just tried to keep each other positive. My shoulder eventually reset and BOOKED it through the forest, getting out in about 45 mins. We stood outside the car talking about what just happened and how amazing it was for all of us. From that moment on, life looked a little different. I was no longer my job, my house and my anger. I was different. Just didn’t know how much. That would all come later on. My cold turned into a sinus infection on the last day. The plane ride was dreadful but I was still on my Hawaiian high. Life was different and I was enjoying every second of it. I made my own personal vow to myself that I would lose weight, go back to Hawaii and climb the Stairway to Heaven. I don’t break promises to anyone except myself but those days were long gone.

Hawaiian Rob and Kelli came to NJ/NY for Christmas and they spent a few days with me. We had some of the best laughs, meals and best times ever. They finally saw WaWa, Sentosa and the Stone Pony. I forced them to come see the Worthless United reunion during the Bouncing Souls “Home for the Holidays” shows at the Pony. I went back to being 16 during Worthless and just let go of all my pent up aggression during their set and had a great time. I knew that in 4 days (Jan 1), my life was going to become mine again, so I just let it all go. Everyone had a great time seeing Worthless (Kelli and Rob never saw them before). A few days later, I took Rob and Kelli to the city with me so they could go to Kelli’s parents house. We stood in Penn Station, we hugged goodbye and we parted ways, promising to keep in touch and to see each other soon. That was one of the hardest goodbyes I had to give in recent memory because they are 2 amazing people that inspired me on my journey. Kelli told me about this “Master Cleanse” that you do for a week and it does a complete body cleanse. I later found out that drinking of salt water was stupid and my puking was in vain. I didn’t make it the week but 3 days was good enough and I just continued eating raw foods. I also gave up drinking for good after getting completely wasted at a work Christmas lunch and after fear of losing my job, I realized drinking just wasn’t for me. Was I Edge again? No, I just choose to not drink anymore.

Along with the total diet/lifestyle change and the stopping of drinking, I decided to also take a look at the possibility of a spiritual change to go along with the physical. For the last year, I researched Buddhism as a possible path to follow. Growing up in a Roman Catholic home, going to a Catholic school for 9 years and going to church every Sunday, I always felt separated from everyone else. I understood the teachings, understood the reason people believe in it, but I never identified with it. I tried and at the same time, turned my back on the church to the heartbreak of my father. He doesn’t understand that I don’t hate God (he asks me why I hate him all the time) I just don’t know who he is and cannot identify with him. Does he know about my Buddhist journey? No. I will eventually tell him once I get further along and we can have a serious discussion about it. I need to not let my emotions get the best of me when I talk to people. The loudest one isn’t always the right one and I am beginning to understand that.

As I started to tell my close friends (and some family), the reactions have been mixed. Some really excited for me and totally understanding and excited for me, some giving me guidance on things to check out, their life experiences, etc. while some are completely negative. I am not a preacher by nature and for people to preach at me that I should pray to their God, really started to take a toll on me but I understood where they were coming from. They were deep in faith and I wasn’t. I had too many questions to ask and no enough answers and this was my time to finally discover what I was looking for. I liked who I saw on the outside (for the most part) but still had this hollow feeling on the inside. Would Buddhism fill it? No, but my own self-acceptance and inner peace would. I have been reading book after book about various meditation practices and sutras, researching temples and looking up retreats. It’s amazing how beautiful and peaceful this practice is when you dig deeper and deeper in. I am excited and nervous about what I will learn about the world but mostly about myself. I was so stuck in my work life routine that I accepted everything for face value. Now, I question what I “know” and discover the reasons for it and how to improve the outcome and even the path to get there. I am surrounding myself with some of the most amazing people and they help me stay grounded when it feels like it might start to fall in on me. It has been an amazing year for me to say the least but I am nowhere near finished!

This is the new Bean, Part I

First of all, thank you for checking this out. Unlike most of my other endeavors/commitments, I will stay on top of this and update it as much as humanly possible. This will not only be informational to you, but also therapeutic for me. I am just 5 years late on the blogging front. I am sure a lot of my friends will read this and think this isn’t really me typing. It is, I am just being serious for once. I will slip the occasional dick and fart joke in just to keep you on your toes (or a pants pooping story).

Secondly, this will be the longest thing I have written since I graduated college. But at the same time, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, hell; I am not the same person I was 6 months ago! I guess that is the point of this. You need to know who I was in order to know who I have become.

Lastly, you may ask yourself, why he writing this? Because there are things you I need to say, get out of my head or clear my conscience before I can continue grow. Sounds weird right, imagine how it feels for me say it! I am the dude who laughs at accidents, doesn’t cry at funerals and make jokes about anyone and everyone. Will that change? Probably not, but you cannot fault me for trying.

Now, onto the real stuff….

THANK YOU!

I need to thank some people before I go any further. All of you that I speak to either daily or once a year please know that every one of you have a profound impact on my life. It can be as simple as saying hello or listening to me rant on and on about nothing. All of you helped shape me into who I am, but now its my turn to grow into who I can/should/will be. There are a super small group of people I need to call out. I will not use names, but each of you will know who you are.

Hawaii Posi Crew: When I received Amy’s invitation to her wedding, I was super stoked - both for her to be getting married and for me to get out of Jersey and see Hawaii. Little did I know, this was going to be one of the most important trips of my life. You guys saved my life. I mean this in the most serious and sincere way possible. Every single one of you that I met and spent time with changed me and saved my life. I cannot even being to think about repaying you for what you have done for me. I love every one of you more then you will even know. A piece of me is with every single one of you and I cannot wait to come back out to conquer the Stairway to Heaven.

The next person I need to thank is an extremely amazing young lady. She is one of the strongest and most sincere people I have ever met. She taught me that I am worthy of more then just being the loud one that makes everyone laugh. She knows both sides of me and showed me that I can become comfortable in who I am and comfortable around others without having to be the center of attention. People look at me as more then just the fat guy in the room. I have more to offer and I should be confidant in who I am. I can honestly say I have grown more in the last 9 months with your help than I have in the last 9 years.

Another person I need to thank is someone I hold near and dear to my heart. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. She has a way of centering me and bringing me back from the brink with her words. Whether I speak to her or she sends me a text message, she has this ability to make all the crap that gets me down insignificant and not worthy of my negative emotions. I have told you this a million times but thank you. I have learned so much from you. Your bravery and drive is an example I am honored to follow.

Lastly, my family. My whole life, I have looked up to my brother. He is my best friend in this world. We fought a lot growing up and went through many rough patches but he has always been there for me as much as he could be. I cannot wait to go to Europe on tour with you so we can just have a good time with limited responsibility. I wouldn’t want to spend this time with anyone else but you, even though you are a douche. And my parents, I put you through hell sometimes but you always forgave me and let me learn from my mistakes. You never forced me to be anyone but myself and do what made me happy. Seeing friends that are forced to live their lives in some image that is so far from their own, I am thankful for your support and hard lined tactics. If it weren’t for the both f you being so involved in my life and supportive of my choices, I would probably be turning tricks by now, possibly. I love you guys and I feel like I am an extension of each one of you and I couldn’t be prouder to be your son/brother.

Part II coming tomorrow!