I am almost done with part 3 of the tour story...in fact, my brother just sent me some pictures and video from it and really helps me re-live what happened over there..Such an amazing journey...
BUT....
That is not the point of this post. Just have some stuff I want to get off my mind. Since I have been home, emotions have been high. I think its been kind of rough re-adjusting back to my routine. The idea of wake up, shower, commute, work, commute, sleep is really starting to take a toll on me. I find my temper just as short as it was before I left and it really bums me out. I have pretty much narrowed it all down and I think I know the causes of this but I cannot do anything about it right now. That also compounds frustration when you are stuck. I will try to stay positive and take things as they come. This morning was eye opening for me and I saw that I need to make a more external change for myself.
I had a CT scan this morning and I found myself wanting the test to end because I "had a train to catch". I have always let everything around me dictate my life, never what was best for me. Letting go of everything external and allowing your life to be about you has always been such an alien idea for me. My life was always about work or something else. I never took the time to discover who I was or what I needed. Over the last few months, I really took the time to do that but I still held onto one last "vice" if you will. I allowed work to be the deciding factor of everything and not my own self. I still hold onto that, mainly for responsibility reasons, but I have been working on allowing MY life to matter more then my work. And this morning, more changes happened...
I try to walk to and from Penn Station both in the morning and at night. I use this time to unwind from the commute or from the day and get some air and think. This morning was like any other day until I got to 3rd Ave. I see homeless people all the time and help them when I can but forget about them as fast as I see them. This morning, I came across this man who wasn't your stereotypical homeless dude. He didn't look crazy, have a shopping cart with cans and a boom box or smell 30 proof. He looked like some dude that could be your neighbor wearing a Knicks Hoodie, a huge suitcase and a sign that said Out of Work and Homeless. Reading the news, you are filled with fear. Fears of a double dip recession, increased foreclosures and consumer spending decreasing because saving is increasing. When we get passed the corporate greed and the fact that the majority of us work to make others (not ourselves, communities, etc) richer, I ask what is it all for? I cant worry if there is going to be a market collapse. I cant worry if I am going to lose my job because I could be let go tomorrow and they will continue on without me as if nothing happened. Forgotten as soon as remembered. There are decision makers sitting in their posh offices and homes, making decisions that affect every single one of us without knowing who we are or what our story is. Caring whether we eat or live because their minds are on the bottom line not on what is the best thing to do for people. The point? As soon as I got to work this morning, I called both the local Soup Kitchen and Food Bank to volunteer. I feel that I have become so wrapped up into this life that makes no real impact most of the time that I need to feel as if I am making a difference, even if it is as simple as helping someone eat or giving out food at a Food Bank. I don't want to just stay as self involved as I have been. I have done so much for myself that I feel that I need to do things for others...its such a weird feeling because it seems so natural but something I have never really took the time to do. I look forward to helping others in need because I can. Its so easy to say you will, you might, wish you had time, or any other excuse I have made then to actually do something. The couple hours I give on the weekends could be (and hope) the most rewarding hours I spent all week on something.
Thanks for reading. I needed to get these words out. If you can spare the time, looks for ways in your community to help. If the shoes were on the other feet, you would hope people would think about helping you...
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