"What Does It All Mean, Phase"

I just finished watching High Fidelity for the one millionth time and that movie always makes me question things.  Be it a top 5 list, questioning motives or even mortality and as Rob says "I've been listening to the guts since I was 14 and I am starting to think my guts have shit for brains".  I am starting to believe that statement more and more.

Since I have come back from Europe, there has been a whirlwind of emotions going through my head about everything.  Maybe scheduling an appointment with my Orthopedist the day I came back was not the most advisable thing to do.  Knowing that he would have nothing but bad news, I just didn't know how bad it was going to be.  In fact, I still don't know but it was bad enough for him to tell me to make an appointment to have my CT scan read and discussed ASAP and he will rearrange his schedule to fit me in.  That never makes you feel good about the situation.  I have been having a lot of anxiety about that to be honest.  Also, the urge to drink has been hitting me pretty damn hard.  I have been able to kick those emotions to the curb as of late.  I have some of the greatest friends close to me to help put things into prospective and help me realize how unnecessary all of this is.

I also start my volunteering next weekend on Saturday at Elijah's Promise in New Brunswick.  I think I need to feel/see the fruits of my labor helping others.  I don't see that day in and day out when I work a million hours and then spend or waste, depending on how you look at it, 20 hours a week just commuting.  I do try to constructively use that time by reading and practicing some of the new meditative practices I am learning but there are times when it just cuts you so deep.  Especially when you do the math and realize that I spend 45 complete days a year on the train (that is with no delays or traffic).  Maybe calculating that was not the best idea, for my own sanity.  I made the decision to live where I live and I do not regret it.  I think I am just looking for more and not finding yet.  The feeling of being lost is very hard to come to grips with but I know one day, I will no longer be lost.  I have been working so hard on finding the right path that I know it is not going to be laid out in front of me.  I need to get lost a hell of a lot more in order to stumble upon what I am looking for.  This whole thing/life is a work in progress.  Its getting better with each set back but each set back makes it a little hard to keep going.  Thank you to my family and friends for believing and driving me to continue.  I am pretty discouraged with things right now but I know this rut will soon be over.  I over think things a little too much but that is also one of my better qualities, sometimes.