Sweet Thing

If you would have asked me in 2000, what my "Medium" collection would have have looked like, I would have said MP3, eBooks, etc.  I now have found myself collecting and purchasing the physical media more then ever.  With the release of the Kindle/iPad, it was supposed to revolutionize the way we lived and read.  It didn't in my case.  The iPod has changed how I listen to music on the go but not at home.  Doesn't change the fact that I like to feel a book in my hand, flip through record inserts and hold a piece of art in my hand.  The fact that people will not be doing any of this in a few years is upsetting to me.  They are missing out on something special.  Question to ponder..

How can companies honestly charge a few dollars less for a digital version when you arent getting anything other then 0's and 1's?  Sell the medium, give the digital for free...The art lives...

The Hope Conspiracy - Hope Bound Heart

I dont know what is harder.  Coming to the realization that the world isn't what you want it to be or that life continues to move all around you without consulting you first.  When you get that punch in the face from the right and not the left, it hurts even more.  I guess this is a month that shall live inside me more then the previous 8.  This is the defining one and will show me what I am and what I have become.  Less then 1.5 months until surgery so lets keep it going correct and moving forward and not stalled in past.  I will continue to live in the present and see life as it is, not at it could or should and can be...just is.

I leave for South Carolina in a few days for a wedding.  Bow tie is ready to be unleashed.  I look hot, not gonna lie.  I am siked to see my brother and niece again and spend some time with them.  Not looking forward to the drive but it will be nice to be on the road, thinking and seeing the roads ahead....

I've got 100 resolutions, but I've got no solutions...

When this whole spiritual journey started, I didn't know where things were going to take me.  I knew that I wanted to feel something, what that thing was, I was quite sure.  I know I wanted to feel at peace with both myself, others I held close and the world around me.  How this was going to be done was the question.  I started reading and studying and talking to people.  It was amazing what I learned and what was more amazing was what I learned about myself.  I learned to love myself for who I was, not who I could be.  It was an amazing feeling that I didn't think was entirely possible.  Meditation helped bring me to this spot that I am at and I have to say this journey has been amazing.

Through all my studying, I kept coming across this word renunciation.  I always played it off as not necessary or I would be able to allow things to happen and not renounce.  BUT, I have learned that is truly not possible.  I have learned that you cannot give your suggestions or feelings on topics that do not directly effect you.  By doing so, you are directly or indirectly judging others and this is not right.  You also do not know what people ulterior motives are.  Regardless of the outcome, it can negative effects on you that you did not foresee.  From this day forward, I will be working on the practice of renunciation.  I will give my opinion only when needed but will not be getting involved in peoples decisions and peoples lives.  You cannot trust people to always have positivity in their hearts, some are wolves in sheep clothing but you cannot tell this until it is too late. 

This doesn't mean I am going to be a different person, this just means I am taking a step back from everyone and letting them get things together.  I will listen and give opinions ONLY when asked but I cannot suggest what you should do.  Unfortunately, I cannot take back the advice I gave someone special to me when I didn't know how wrongly it would be handled.  I am also at fault for other reasons but these are things I will also learn from and live by to never do again.  This entry was hard to write because of the emotion I have behind it.  I didn't want to be too descriptive but I also didn't want to be so vague that I lost everyone reading this.

Small Change Got Rained On, With His Own .38....

I am sitting in the back seat of my parents car after a long weekend and an even longer drive back from NC.  DAMN YOU VIRGINIA! It was awesome to see my brother but even better to see my beautiful niece.  It can get really upsetting to not see her grow up.  Every time I see her, she is so much older, more beautiful and even smarter then the last time.  At breakfast this morning, it was decided that we will re-enact Bad Boys 2 when she gets to the dating age.  I will drive or fly to NC and open the door for the lucky boy.  He will shit is pants when he sees The Uncle Bean and the Father.

We ended up going to a children's museum in Raleigh called Marbles.  Tash literally ran around for hours discovering stuff, creating art and learning so much.  It was amazing watching her go.  My brother is a great father and kept up with her the entire time and did everything and anything she wanted.  I watched the other parents just let their kids go and have 0 interaction with them.  Sad to see the disconnect from parent and child at such a young age, but you can only hope they will learn their lesson.  We also went to the worst outlet mall in history on Sat.  I was siked to see a Used Book store because I was pretty much finished with my current one (The Alchemist...READ IT).  I walked in and noticed that 3/4 of the store was Christian Books and in EVERY sub-genre you can imagine.  They had 1 rack of fiction. 1 rack.  I guess thats the south for you....

I can't believe the change my life has taken since January.  I never thought that while I was in Boston for work last week, I would walk 4 miles to a Shambhala Center for meditation and Dharma discussion or starting tomorrow, I would become Vegan for real this time.  Seeing things from the outside and seeing how much you decisions cost others, it really makes you stop and think.  When you start to look at all living creatures as sentient beings and knowing that you should not consciously cause suffering, it really makes you think about your actions.  Things are going really well but at the same time I have a void deep down inside me that has always been a "thorn in my side".  Starting on Saturday, I start volunteering at the Soup Kitchen.  I am really looking forward to it.  Hopefully it will be extremely rewarding and I will feel that I am using my energy to help others.  The following weekend, I think I am going to a Puppy Mill awareness rally with my good friend April.  Hopefully being active will help fill some of the emptiness I am feeling.  Surgery is coming up in less then 2 months.  Not looking forward to it but looking forward to my shoulder actually being fixed.  My biggest concern is coming out of anesthesia.  I always have such a hard time with it and always get really sick.  It sucks.  BUT...Back to work tomorrow.  I am almost to my house and I will get my ass to sleep.  Work and DharmaPunx meditation session tomorrow night.  Lets keep the POSI ish flowing...

"What Does It All Mean, Phase"

I just finished watching High Fidelity for the one millionth time and that movie always makes me question things.  Be it a top 5 list, questioning motives or even mortality and as Rob says "I've been listening to the guts since I was 14 and I am starting to think my guts have shit for brains".  I am starting to believe that statement more and more.

Since I have come back from Europe, there has been a whirlwind of emotions going through my head about everything.  Maybe scheduling an appointment with my Orthopedist the day I came back was not the most advisable thing to do.  Knowing that he would have nothing but bad news, I just didn't know how bad it was going to be.  In fact, I still don't know but it was bad enough for him to tell me to make an appointment to have my CT scan read and discussed ASAP and he will rearrange his schedule to fit me in.  That never makes you feel good about the situation.  I have been having a lot of anxiety about that to be honest.  Also, the urge to drink has been hitting me pretty damn hard.  I have been able to kick those emotions to the curb as of late.  I have some of the greatest friends close to me to help put things into prospective and help me realize how unnecessary all of this is.

I also start my volunteering next weekend on Saturday at Elijah's Promise in New Brunswick.  I think I need to feel/see the fruits of my labor helping others.  I don't see that day in and day out when I work a million hours and then spend or waste, depending on how you look at it, 20 hours a week just commuting.  I do try to constructively use that time by reading and practicing some of the new meditative practices I am learning but there are times when it just cuts you so deep.  Especially when you do the math and realize that I spend 45 complete days a year on the train (that is with no delays or traffic).  Maybe calculating that was not the best idea, for my own sanity.  I made the decision to live where I live and I do not regret it.  I think I am just looking for more and not finding yet.  The feeling of being lost is very hard to come to grips with but I know one day, I will no longer be lost.  I have been working so hard on finding the right path that I know it is not going to be laid out in front of me.  I need to get lost a hell of a lot more in order to stumble upon what I am looking for.  This whole thing/life is a work in progress.  Its getting better with each set back but each set back makes it a little hard to keep going.  Thank you to my family and friends for believing and driving me to continue.  I am pretty discouraged with things right now but I know this rut will soon be over.  I over think things a little too much but that is also one of my better qualities, sometimes.

Prop 8

When did love become right or wrong?  When did we say you couldn't love someone because others don't agree?  We live in a sad state but things are slowly coming around.  I fully encourage and endorse Gay Rights and Same Sex Marriage.  I wouldn't want someone to tell me that I couldn't love the person I loved.  Just because I am straight doesn't mean those different from me are wrong... We have all dated someone people did agree with or though was "wrong for us".  Imagine if they made it illegal to do it.  Makes we question those me have elected or "represent" us.  Separation of church and state is slowly fading away...

A Break from Your Reguarly Scheduled Programing!

I am almost done with part 3 of the tour story...in fact, my brother just sent me some pictures and video from it and really helps me re-live what happened over there..Such an amazing journey...

BUT....

That is not the point of this post.  Just have some stuff I want to get off my mind.  Since I have been home, emotions have been high.  I think its been kind of rough re-adjusting back to my routine.  The idea of wake up, shower, commute, work, commute, sleep is really starting to take a toll on me.  I find my temper just as short as it was before I left and it really bums me out.  I have pretty much narrowed it all down and I think I know the causes of this but I cannot do anything about it right now.  That also compounds frustration when you are stuck.  I will try to stay positive and take things as they come.  This morning was eye opening for me and I saw that I need to make a more external change for myself.

I had a CT scan this morning and I found myself wanting the test to end because I "had a train to catch".  I have always let everything around me dictate my life, never what was best for me.  Letting go of everything external and allowing your life to be about you has always been such an alien idea for me.  My life was always about work or something else.  I never took the time to discover who I was or what I needed.  Over the last few months, I really took the time to do that but I still held onto one last "vice" if you will.  I allowed work to be the deciding factor of everything and not my own self.  I still hold onto that, mainly for responsibility reasons, but I have been working on allowing MY life to matter more then my work.  And this morning, more changes happened...

I try to walk to and from Penn Station both in the morning and at night.  I use this time to unwind from the commute or from the day and get some air and think.  This morning was like any other day until I got to 3rd Ave.  I see homeless people all the time and help them when I can but forget about them as fast as I see them.  This morning, I came across this man who wasn't your stereotypical homeless dude.  He didn't look crazy, have a shopping cart with cans and a boom box or smell 30 proof.  He looked like some dude that could be your neighbor wearing a Knicks Hoodie, a huge suitcase and a sign that said Out of Work and Homeless.  Reading the news, you are filled with fear.  Fears of a double dip recession, increased foreclosures and consumer spending decreasing because saving is increasing.  When we get passed the corporate greed and the fact that the majority of us work to make others (not ourselves, communities, etc) richer, I ask what is it all for?  I cant worry if there is going to be a market collapse.  I cant worry if I am going to lose my job because I could be let go tomorrow and they will continue on without me as if nothing happened.  Forgotten as soon as remembered.  There are decision makers sitting in their posh offices and homes, making decisions that affect every single one of us without knowing who we are or what our story is.  Caring whether we eat or live because their minds are on the bottom line not on what is the best thing to do for people.  The point?  As soon as I got to work this morning, I called both the local Soup Kitchen and Food Bank to volunteer.  I feel that I have become so wrapped up into this life that makes no real impact most of the time that I need to feel as if I am making a difference, even if it is as simple as helping someone eat or giving out food at a Food Bank.  I don't want to just stay as self involved as I have been.  I have done so much for myself that I feel that I need to do things for others...its such a weird feeling because it seems so natural but something I have never really took the time to do.  I look forward to helping others in need because I can.  Its so easy to say you will, you might, wish you had time, or any other excuse I have made then to actually do something.  The couple hours I give on the weekends could be (and hope)  the most rewarding hours I spent all week on something. 

Thanks for reading.  I needed to get these words out.  If you can spare the time, looks for ways in your community to help.  If the shoes were on the other feet, you would hope people would think about helping you...