Part II

And now, onto the new me… Well not really new, same old dude just rediscovered.

It wasn’t that I never liked who I was; I was always too self-conscious to be who I knew I could be. My weight was always my mental Achilles Heel. It wasn’t until I went to Hawaii and saw all of my old Jersey friends that had moved out there and met all the members of my new Hawaiian family that I realized the way I was living my life was over. When I left for Honolulu, I had a cold that wouldn’t go away. I had it for a few weeks but never got better. I had no choice, I was going and there was nothing anyone could do about it. 12 hours, a viewing of Used Cars, Frisky Dingo and 1 book later, I arrived (along with Lil’ Lisa) at Honolulu Airport. We had to go immediately from HNL airport to some sports bar for a joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party, which consisted of singing and drinking. As I walked in, everyone welcomed me with open arms, met some of the most amazing and positive people in this world. This was an amazing start to a life-changing journey (which at the time, I thought it was just a trip).

The next day we decided to go on a journey around Oahu and see some of the tourist and secret local spots. Bill Cashman, the Lost nerd that he is, was doing his Lost pilgrimage around the entire island. He was seeing all the places filmed, sneaking onto sets and totally geeking out. He decided to take a day off from his fanboy-ing and come for a trip to “The Spot” and hike through the rain forest for a waterfall jump. “The Spot” is this short walk off of the hiking trails along the shoreline to a point that extends into the ocean. On one side, there is a plank walk, ala pirate ship-esc, that extends 15 feet into the ocean and on the other is a rock barrier that the waves just explode on. It was beautiful. The jump however was not as dangerous as I was hoping so I never jumped in. Next stop, the waterfall. It was a 2-hour hike through a muddy rain forest to reach it. I fell 3 times – once standing still in the middle of a conversation and 2 other times into the streams. To say it was hard would be an understatement but when we got to the end and it opened up into this beautiful waterfall, it was all worth it.

There are 3 spots that you can jump from, 15 feet, 30 feet and 60 feet. Billy told me that the 60-foot jump is life changing but I didn’t believe him. So, like the moron that I am, I decided to go for it and jump from the top. To get up there, you had to climb a muddy hill using your hands and long stalks of bamboo. Once I go to the top, all bets were off. Being the heaviest I have ever been in my life, standing on a muddy ledge 60 feet above the water, I didn’t think I could do it. I had my friends yelling to jump, me yelling back OK but every time I went to jump, something inside stopped me. All off a sudden, something in my head just let go and I was in the air, flying towards the water. The second I hit the water, my shoulder dislocates and I hit the bottom (I am told no one has hit bottom before, then again, no one weighed as much as I did). As I came back up to the surface, the waterfall kept pushing me under. Since my shoulder was in my armpit, I couldn’t swim. Billy jumped into the water and pulled me out. All I could say was how amazing that was and how I wanted to reset my shoulder and do it again. It took 1.5 hours for me to get it back in but we had to hike while it was still dislocated so we could get out of the forest before it was dark. Billy was awesome and we walked through the stream since I couldn’t walk in the mud with my shoulder like it was. We sang Bad Brains most of the time and just tried to keep each other positive. My shoulder eventually reset and BOOKED it through the forest, getting out in about 45 mins. We stood outside the car talking about what just happened and how amazing it was for all of us. From that moment on, life looked a little different. I was no longer my job, my house and my anger. I was different. Just didn’t know how much. That would all come later on. My cold turned into a sinus infection on the last day. The plane ride was dreadful but I was still on my Hawaiian high. Life was different and I was enjoying every second of it. I made my own personal vow to myself that I would lose weight, go back to Hawaii and climb the Stairway to Heaven. I don’t break promises to anyone except myself but those days were long gone.

Hawaiian Rob and Kelli came to NJ/NY for Christmas and they spent a few days with me. We had some of the best laughs, meals and best times ever. They finally saw WaWa, Sentosa and the Stone Pony. I forced them to come see the Worthless United reunion during the Bouncing Souls “Home for the Holidays” shows at the Pony. I went back to being 16 during Worthless and just let go of all my pent up aggression during their set and had a great time. I knew that in 4 days (Jan 1), my life was going to become mine again, so I just let it all go. Everyone had a great time seeing Worthless (Kelli and Rob never saw them before). A few days later, I took Rob and Kelli to the city with me so they could go to Kelli’s parents house. We stood in Penn Station, we hugged goodbye and we parted ways, promising to keep in touch and to see each other soon. That was one of the hardest goodbyes I had to give in recent memory because they are 2 amazing people that inspired me on my journey. Kelli told me about this “Master Cleanse” that you do for a week and it does a complete body cleanse. I later found out that drinking of salt water was stupid and my puking was in vain. I didn’t make it the week but 3 days was good enough and I just continued eating raw foods. I also gave up drinking for good after getting completely wasted at a work Christmas lunch and after fear of losing my job, I realized drinking just wasn’t for me. Was I Edge again? No, I just choose to not drink anymore.

Along with the total diet/lifestyle change and the stopping of drinking, I decided to also take a look at the possibility of a spiritual change to go along with the physical. For the last year, I researched Buddhism as a possible path to follow. Growing up in a Roman Catholic home, going to a Catholic school for 9 years and going to church every Sunday, I always felt separated from everyone else. I understood the teachings, understood the reason people believe in it, but I never identified with it. I tried and at the same time, turned my back on the church to the heartbreak of my father. He doesn’t understand that I don’t hate God (he asks me why I hate him all the time) I just don’t know who he is and cannot identify with him. Does he know about my Buddhist journey? No. I will eventually tell him once I get further along and we can have a serious discussion about it. I need to not let my emotions get the best of me when I talk to people. The loudest one isn’t always the right one and I am beginning to understand that.

As I started to tell my close friends (and some family), the reactions have been mixed. Some really excited for me and totally understanding and excited for me, some giving me guidance on things to check out, their life experiences, etc. while some are completely negative. I am not a preacher by nature and for people to preach at me that I should pray to their God, really started to take a toll on me but I understood where they were coming from. They were deep in faith and I wasn’t. I had too many questions to ask and no enough answers and this was my time to finally discover what I was looking for. I liked who I saw on the outside (for the most part) but still had this hollow feeling on the inside. Would Buddhism fill it? No, but my own self-acceptance and inner peace would. I have been reading book after book about various meditation practices and sutras, researching temples and looking up retreats. It’s amazing how beautiful and peaceful this practice is when you dig deeper and deeper in. I am excited and nervous about what I will learn about the world but mostly about myself. I was so stuck in my work life routine that I accepted everything for face value. Now, I question what I “know” and discover the reasons for it and how to improve the outcome and even the path to get there. I am surrounding myself with some of the most amazing people and they help me stay grounded when it feels like it might start to fall in on me. It has been an amazing year for me to say the least but I am nowhere near finished!