"What Does It All Mean, Phase"

I just finished watching High Fidelity for the one millionth time and that movie always makes me question things.  Be it a top 5 list, questioning motives or even mortality and as Rob says "I've been listening to the guts since I was 14 and I am starting to think my guts have shit for brains".  I am starting to believe that statement more and more.

Since I have come back from Europe, there has been a whirlwind of emotions going through my head about everything.  Maybe scheduling an appointment with my Orthopedist the day I came back was not the most advisable thing to do.  Knowing that he would have nothing but bad news, I just didn't know how bad it was going to be.  In fact, I still don't know but it was bad enough for him to tell me to make an appointment to have my CT scan read and discussed ASAP and he will rearrange his schedule to fit me in.  That never makes you feel good about the situation.  I have been having a lot of anxiety about that to be honest.  Also, the urge to drink has been hitting me pretty damn hard.  I have been able to kick those emotions to the curb as of late.  I have some of the greatest friends close to me to help put things into prospective and help me realize how unnecessary all of this is.

I also start my volunteering next weekend on Saturday at Elijah's Promise in New Brunswick.  I think I need to feel/see the fruits of my labor helping others.  I don't see that day in and day out when I work a million hours and then spend or waste, depending on how you look at it, 20 hours a week just commuting.  I do try to constructively use that time by reading and practicing some of the new meditative practices I am learning but there are times when it just cuts you so deep.  Especially when you do the math and realize that I spend 45 complete days a year on the train (that is with no delays or traffic).  Maybe calculating that was not the best idea, for my own sanity.  I made the decision to live where I live and I do not regret it.  I think I am just looking for more and not finding yet.  The feeling of being lost is very hard to come to grips with but I know one day, I will no longer be lost.  I have been working so hard on finding the right path that I know it is not going to be laid out in front of me.  I need to get lost a hell of a lot more in order to stumble upon what I am looking for.  This whole thing/life is a work in progress.  Its getting better with each set back but each set back makes it a little hard to keep going.  Thank you to my family and friends for believing and driving me to continue.  I am pretty discouraged with things right now but I know this rut will soon be over.  I over think things a little too much but that is also one of my better qualities, sometimes.

Prop 8

When did love become right or wrong?  When did we say you couldn't love someone because others don't agree?  We live in a sad state but things are slowly coming around.  I fully encourage and endorse Gay Rights and Same Sex Marriage.  I wouldn't want someone to tell me that I couldn't love the person I loved.  Just because I am straight doesn't mean those different from me are wrong... We have all dated someone people did agree with or though was "wrong for us".  Imagine if they made it illegal to do it.  Makes we question those me have elected or "represent" us.  Separation of church and state is slowly fading away...

A Break from Your Reguarly Scheduled Programing!

I am almost done with part 3 of the tour story...in fact, my brother just sent me some pictures and video from it and really helps me re-live what happened over there..Such an amazing journey...

BUT....

That is not the point of this post.  Just have some stuff I want to get off my mind.  Since I have been home, emotions have been high.  I think its been kind of rough re-adjusting back to my routine.  The idea of wake up, shower, commute, work, commute, sleep is really starting to take a toll on me.  I find my temper just as short as it was before I left and it really bums me out.  I have pretty much narrowed it all down and I think I know the causes of this but I cannot do anything about it right now.  That also compounds frustration when you are stuck.  I will try to stay positive and take things as they come.  This morning was eye opening for me and I saw that I need to make a more external change for myself.

I had a CT scan this morning and I found myself wanting the test to end because I "had a train to catch".  I have always let everything around me dictate my life, never what was best for me.  Letting go of everything external and allowing your life to be about you has always been such an alien idea for me.  My life was always about work or something else.  I never took the time to discover who I was or what I needed.  Over the last few months, I really took the time to do that but I still held onto one last "vice" if you will.  I allowed work to be the deciding factor of everything and not my own self.  I still hold onto that, mainly for responsibility reasons, but I have been working on allowing MY life to matter more then my work.  And this morning, more changes happened...

I try to walk to and from Penn Station both in the morning and at night.  I use this time to unwind from the commute or from the day and get some air and think.  This morning was like any other day until I got to 3rd Ave.  I see homeless people all the time and help them when I can but forget about them as fast as I see them.  This morning, I came across this man who wasn't your stereotypical homeless dude.  He didn't look crazy, have a shopping cart with cans and a boom box or smell 30 proof.  He looked like some dude that could be your neighbor wearing a Knicks Hoodie, a huge suitcase and a sign that said Out of Work and Homeless.  Reading the news, you are filled with fear.  Fears of a double dip recession, increased foreclosures and consumer spending decreasing because saving is increasing.  When we get passed the corporate greed and the fact that the majority of us work to make others (not ourselves, communities, etc) richer, I ask what is it all for?  I cant worry if there is going to be a market collapse.  I cant worry if I am going to lose my job because I could be let go tomorrow and they will continue on without me as if nothing happened.  Forgotten as soon as remembered.  There are decision makers sitting in their posh offices and homes, making decisions that affect every single one of us without knowing who we are or what our story is.  Caring whether we eat or live because their minds are on the bottom line not on what is the best thing to do for people.  The point?  As soon as I got to work this morning, I called both the local Soup Kitchen and Food Bank to volunteer.  I feel that I have become so wrapped up into this life that makes no real impact most of the time that I need to feel as if I am making a difference, even if it is as simple as helping someone eat or giving out food at a Food Bank.  I don't want to just stay as self involved as I have been.  I have done so much for myself that I feel that I need to do things for others...its such a weird feeling because it seems so natural but something I have never really took the time to do.  I look forward to helping others in need because I can.  Its so easy to say you will, you might, wish you had time, or any other excuse I have made then to actually do something.  The couple hours I give on the weekends could be (and hope)  the most rewarding hours I spent all week on something. 

Thanks for reading.  I needed to get these words out.  If you can spare the time, looks for ways in your community to help.  If the shoes were on the other feet, you would hope people would think about helping you...

EUROPE PART DUEX!

We had a ridiculously early van call the next morning because we had a "Chunnel" reservation for 8am.  The Chunnel is Train that runs in the Channel Tunnel and brings you and your vehicle into France.  After a much needed bathroom break (NORMAL URINALS! I hate the UK for the piss trenches.) we drove onto the train.  I decided it was time I catch a little sleep so I pulled my lawn chair out of the van and set it up in the train.  I must have looked homeless and/or retarded but I didn't care, it was comfortable.  There was a family of popped collars behind us in an Audi, the father had a pink long sleeve on.  Check FB, I took a picture.  I am sure I was White Trash to them.  I was woken up after what seemed like 2 minutes and we were in France.  The French countryside sells like cow shit, everywhere you go until you get into Paris.  I saw their Nuclear power plant, horrible graffiti skills and had my first legit French Baguette.  I am sure i would have insulted them when I slathered it with Peanut Butter but man was it delicious.  After 6 hours of driving and smelling feces, we made it into Paris.  The club that night was awesome.  It was called Batofar.  It was a boat docked in the channel and you play under the deck.  Technically you are playing in the water.  At one point, I knew the dudes were talking smack about us because they kept staring at us, laughing and talking in French.  We stuck it to them when we packed the boat and killed it.  The kids went off and ended up hanging out after the show outside the boat. But I just got ahead of myself…After we loaded in, Chris asked me if I wanted to see the Eiffel Tower.  I was pumped so PC and Ryan decided to come so the 4 of us hopped the train and went to the tower.  The train has no compassion for anything in their doors.  They slam closed and amputate anything in their path.  I know because I almost became Lt. Dan and lost half my leg in it.  We managed to piss off some french lady with the door debacle but if I was french, I would be pissed to.  After a very hot, stank ass train ride (apparently they like to smell their own stench) we made it to the tower.  That thing is huge.  It seemed so surreal to be standing in front of this thing that you always see in movies and pictures.  On our way to it, we stopped to watch this really homo erotic  break dancing that included dressing like women, nipple rubbing and hair humping that a few hundred people were watching.  Meanwhile, legit hip/hop break dancing was taking place 30 yards away and no one seemed to care… We decided we had enough and wanted to walk underneath the tower.  There was a massive queue for the trip to the top that we decided to skip it and head back to the train for the show.  Standing underneath it, you get a real sense of the massive size this thing is.  Its unreal and a true marvel.  PC decided to get his son Jack one of these mechanical dogs he saw these dudes selling.  As he got closer, he saw that the dogs were filthy and one didn't even have an eye.  He turned and walked away and then this crazy Indian dude kept trying to sell it to him.  After telling him to, well you know, he finally left us alone.  We made it back to the club for a great show.  We had a reservation at an F1.  An F1 is a mix between a Hostel and a motel.  Its a room with a bunk bed but no bathroom, only a sink.  It is pretty ghetto but interesting to see.  This is the same chain of hotels an unnamed person "Waffle Stomped".  I cannot tell you what that means but it consists of a shower drain, poop and a flip flop on a foot.  Most amazing story I have ever heard.  Puts all of mine in check and not sure they can beat it to be honest… 

Apparently in my sleep, I punch my brother in the face.  I was broken this info when i woke up the next morning.  I don't remember any of this happening, so I have to take his word on this.  After being punch back for my earlier actions, we headed outside to wait for the rest of the band.  We are then approached by some hooker who was leaving the "motel" asking us for a cigarette.  She was kinda pretty but she had all these sores on her face.  Pretty rank and I felt kinda bad for her, and in normal Catch 22 fashion,  we proceeded to knock at her when we drove past her while she waited for the bus.  We are dicks and grown-up children.  We headed out on the highway for the worst ride ever.  16 hours…in a lawn chair on our way to Spain.  We ended up making a "short" stop a few hundred KM from the Espana border.  The 1 hour stop turned into 3 so I pulled my SWEET chair out and setup camp on the sidewalk in France.  The looks I got were priceless, but for those of you that are keeping tabs, it has now become a 19 hour drive.    My home away from home no longer had a back or a stable foundation!  At the 2nd rest stop in Spain, the chair is launched out of the van and now I need to find a new place to sit..BUT what is this I see?  A huge building, no windows and a florescent sign blinking "Club Millennium".  What would you say that is, yes me too, a strip club, open in Spain at 2am (20 hours into the drive).  Everyone tells me to go "check it out", so i "unwillingly" oblige.  So here I am, a gringo, covered in tattoos walking into a strange club at 2am.  There are the tell tale heavy curtains in front of the entry way, the smell of bleach, perfume and broken dreams and BOOM…Its a M-F-ing whore house…i have never in my life, ran out of a place faster.  As i get back to the van, the NJ in me kicks back in…I am asked, "so was it a strip club" and my response was…"Nope, it was a fucking whore house and had a bunch of sketchy Mexicans outside"….The look on everyone face was priceless and I was berated for 10 mins on how they are Spanish, not Mexican and how I am racist…Dicks…We end up leaving this god awful rest stop and head towards Viverio, Spain.  I am now sitting next to KG who sits like he is is stirrups for a gynecological exam and quickly started to miss the lawn chair I have so recently loathed.  At 6am, we arrived at the hotel to find out it is sold out and no rooms are available.  Rooster pleaded with them and they agreed to give us 2 rooms that haven't been cleaned yet so we could get a few hours of sleep.  The rooms were sleazy but the beds were already broken in and there was a Beday!  I could get fresh and clean, the French way!    After a much needed 2 hours of sleep, We head over to the Futbol field where the festival is being held, I drop off the merch and head back to the hotel.  I get out of the van to check the front desk if they have clean rooms available yet and to pick up the keys.  As I walk out to the van, rooster decided to get revenge on me for, i am guessing, making fun of his use of the letter "hetch" or H to all of you NON queens English speakers.  As I am getting into the van he speeds away and I am now chasing the van around the hotel grounds.  I am being laughed at by the band, people at the pool and now members of No Use For a Name and Lagwagon and I pass their room.  I jump in the van and tell him to go fuck himself but it was funny.  We shower, get the band together and head back to the pitch.  Long story short, 8-10 thousand people were at the show and the 22 killed it and then the drinking began.  Chris and PC found the Jager, they got drunk but Ian got trashed.  Chris from Lagwagon comes over to me after Ian creeped out who I think was Joey Cape's GF or wife, not sure and asks if Ian would like a shot of some insane vodka that looks like Jager and tastes like "Satan's Semen".  Seeing that Ian is swaying like a flag in the wind, I tell him no he is OK.  I run to the gnarliest bathroom ever and when I come back, I see LW Chris with a bottle and they are clapping and laughing.  He comes up to me and tells me to "check out my boy!"  Ian is now standing by himself, doing double windmills slowly over and over again. Needless to say, we have to carry Ian out of there while both Lagwagon and NUFAN clap and laugh.  Mission Accomplished on their end but the joy of taming a beast has just started.  We have to continually throw Ian in the van over and over.  He wasn't ready to stop Raging apparently.  After much "convincing", he agrees to stay in the van and rooster can put him to bed.  As we are leaving Chris and I decided to steal not 1 for 2 new "thrones" for me to sit on in the van.  One is this massive white plastic chair (stolen by Chris) and I went with the classier wooden folding chair.  Thank god for chris because the wooden one was a POS.  Find out what happens to both chairs later on, it keeps getting better and better!  

We stop by Ian's room in the morning and there it is.  A mysterious gash on his head and a black eye.  We are all unsure of how it happened and he has no clue.  After some investigation, we decided that we make shit detectives and give up on the case and proceed to make fun of him.  We are a family and that is what families do!  We load into the van and head towards some city I cannot remember to fly to Barcelona and then fly to Russia.  

Part 3 SOON!  Flights to Russia and the Manchurian Candidate!  Its now turning longer and longer because things are getting better and better.  Also, sorry this thing is so choppy, so many things went on, its impossible to make them flow into each other!

EUROPE PART 1!!!

I have been meaning to update for a long time. I caught a lot of crap from friends (damn you Glenn and company) for not doing this sooner. Considering I have finally gotten over jet lag, my allergy attack is subsiding and my shoulder keeps dislocating…again this morning in my sleep…I have been a little preoccupied. But the time has come for me to put all my feelings down on paper for the world to read or any one who cares about the amazing journey I was on. This will be so long…I am breaking it up…3 parts. It is nice to reflect and bring it all in. I started to update while on the road but I didn't think it would do it justice! Thanks for being patient!

First and foremost, I need thank my brother Chris and the rest of the C22 crew. I saw and experienced things I may never have in my life. Who else can say they sang on stage in front of hundreds and hundreds of people in Russia, Germany, Belgium and the UK? Not many, but I did. It was awesome. And my brother also needs a little more recognition. He really has been amazing through my changes and also worked on showing me around Europe, even to places he had already seen. I wouldn't want to have taken that trip with anyone else. Thank dude, I love you.

Now, onto the good stuff. We had a 930 flight out of beautiful Newark Airport into Heathrow. 5 days prior to the flight, many of you know that I had a pants shitting/fire incident in my house so being without AC in 100+ heat made me ready to pack and leave and see what the world had in store…and I was ready for all of it. At least I thought I was. The flight was as uncomfortable as expected, except the free veggie meal was decent. Unlike US airlines that charge you for a drink of water. I sat next to a girl that had the state of NJ tattooed in her armpit. She ruled and we managed to make fun of everyone on the plane. It made time go a little faster even though it felt like it was crawling. We landed in Heathrow, gathered our bags, made it through customs and met up with our Tour Manager, Rooster. He looked like the bastard son of Captain Spaulding and the King from the 300 (sans abs) with the homer squiggly hair line tattooed on his scalp. I literally busted his balls the entire time and by the end, I think he found it endearing. He really didn't have a choice but he did get back at me many times…Making me run after the van in Spain and almost taking my knee/body out with the door at a rest stop in France. All in all, he was a great dude and totally missed.

The first show was in Brighton. As shore town in England which coincidentally, has a very huge gay community and unfortunately, we missed the lesbian mud wresting by a few days. But Chris did get a flyer for a Pre-Op Tranny hooker which he unknowingly advertised around the city on his bag. We explored the city a little bit, I had my first cup of proper English tea at a bar and then went to the venue. The show was at this club called the Hydrant and it was the first show with our homeys The Junk. Great band and an even better bunch of dudes. The turn out was good and the energy was great. It was an awesome way to start of the tour. Glenn made the journey from Maidstone to Brighton and it was really really good to see him. We had a couple shows with The Junk so we didn't have to say the sad good byes just yet. After the show, we headed to the Travelodge for a night sleep. 3 hours is better then nothing after being awake for almost 48. I blew my back out somehow, so the entire tour I was doing down dog to stretch it out. KG hated it because my ass crack was always hanging out. In fact, my ass crack was out the entire tour and by the end, I think he started to enjoy it. He did shove my 40oz Klean Kanteen down my boxers…Thats a good sign right?



The next morning, Ian looked like he got his by a bus, Rooster asked how the night was, as if he didn't know. I ate some breakfast at the Travelodge. Everyone in the band got the "Full Fry Up" which consists of eggs, potatoes, baked beans, sausage, bacon, tomatoes and mushrooms. I had cereal and yogurt which was surprisingly good for hotel food! The next show was in this small farming town called Norwich. Dirty Rev and The Skints played. The Skints were unreal. The show was amazing. Dirty Rev killed it and The Skints blew me away. The kids were great, it was hot as hell, but totally worth it. Had some delicious curry from some local Indian spot. We didn't really see or do anything in Norwich..it was a bunk city but still cool to see. the club however was a hole. Smelled like piss the ceiling was leaking and had no fans. the bathroom had a trench on the floor you peed into. Really weird. Somewhere between Nottingham and Norwich, I purchased this ghetto lawn chair to use the in van. It was so ungodly uncomfortable in that death trap, so the POS chair made it a little better…It wouldn't last long however….

The final show in the UK took place in London at a club called the Relentless Garage. It was this cool little place in the outskirts of the city. By the English version of the "Projects"…no where near as ghetto as the projects in the US. We loaded into the club and had many hours to kill…Ian tried to slam a warm beer and proceeded to projectile vomit out side the club. The majority of the band decided to go for a walk and stop at a pub for a pint. I stole a Guinness mug for Decker and had a Ginger Beer (alcohol free!) and steal their wireless. Ryan ran into Lone Star from The Planet Smashers, he stopped into the pub and said hello and left. I wanted to go to the British Boot Company for a new pair of Docs but we never made it. Everyone split off for food before the show. I grabbed the most delicious roll from an English bakery and some food from a local Health Food Spot - Hummus and Cheddar Sandwich and this Quiona salad. AMAZING! The Skints and The Junk played amazing sets. My friend Tim made it out to the show, it was good to see him and catch up on old times. I ended up hanging out a lot with both bands, exchanged contact info and promised to stay in touch. We all said our sad good byes but we made some good friendships and I offered my house if they ever made it out to the States. Those dudes are always welcome. This trip was looking to be just what i needed to unwind from the hell i call daily life. Amazing music, friends, family and adventure!

NEXT STOP FRANCE!

Part 2 coming tomorrow hopefully!