Day 2 and 3!

Apparently, the Internets in the UK is hard to come by. And since I am cheap and the exchange rate totally sucks, I will jack free internet anytime that I can. The shows have been amazing so far. Tons of kids every night but its been hot as hell...and no matter how crappy and how hot, it sure beats work, ANY DAY. This post is going to be weird and scattered and short. Sorry about this.

Yesterday, after the show in Nottingham, they had an after party for the band. Most of us ended up going and it was a blast. Music, hanging out and insanity ensued. A chick was passed out so i started to take pictures of her. Then I can called for an impromptu group shot with her (i will post pictures when I get home). We then had to carry a band member back to the hotel over 1.5 miles. It was just an amazing and releasing night. I was able to totally let go of work and everything to just relax and live in the moment. It was awesome.

Tonights show was in a farm town called Norwich. Ton of kids showed up but it was BY FAR, the hottest show I have been to in the longest time. A reggae band called the Skints played and I was just blown away with how good they were. They had a girl member who just kept pulling instruments out and played. It was unreal how talented she was and how good this band is. I spoke to them about doing a record with them in the states. It was awesome.

All in all, 3 days in and I can honestly say my mind is in a different place then it usually is. I miss all of you but I will totally make it a point to keep in touch with you guys and see all of you when I get home. Be safe and be well!!

Exhaustion Brings Clarity

I have slept 1 hour since 7am Saturday morning. It is now 8:44 pm GMT (1:44sm EST). In 6 hours, I will have slept for 1 hour in 2 days. Although I am completely exhausted and smell homeless, I am having a great time. Being so far removed from work is such an amazing thing. Seeing how completely different the UK is compared to the US is really eye opening. I now know I have lived such a "small" life. Never leaving the US or experiencing other cultures, it makes me regret not doing this sooner but doing this for the first time with my brother really makes it feel right. The people I have met both on the way here and in the UK really makes me realize that this is how it was supposed to work. For the first time, I have my eyes open to what is happening around me and I am seeing the signs I am doing the right thing. Also doing this on tour with Catch 22 is just amazing.

The day before I left, I spent a lot of time meeting up with friends and it truly felt amazing. I know that I am blessed with some of the greatest people and the fact that I can share what I am doing with them feels great. Talking to them about everything, hearing their opinions and similar feelings really help me with growing and reaching the next level. I know what I am doing is right on so many levels and the clarity I have in the present moment is refreshing and amazing.

When we landed in Heathrow, it was a decent wait to get through customs. We eventually met up with out Tour Manager, Rooster, and headed towards the first show in Brighton. We spent some of the day walking around the city and seeing what this place has to offer. It has a pretty cool Pier/Amusement Park similar to Santa Monica. The weather could not have been nicer, sunny and 70 degrees. So much better then the stifling heat I left behind in NJ. We grabbed lunch at this small fish and chips place. All I had was tea but it felt good to just sit and relax and just live in the moment. Something I am not used to doing considering work takes over 95% of my life. After lunch we headed to the venue, The Hydrant, to load in all the equipment and sound check. I set counted and set up the merch and got ready for the show to start. My good friend Glenn ended up driving almost 2 hours to the show and it was really awesome to see him. The show is still going on and I am sweating to death but stay tuned, more to come! I miss all of you and will see you all soon.

Carpet Matches the Curtains

The explosion of my AC fuse box and subsequent fire cannot stop this flow of positive energy that I have. The lack of AC isn’t really affecting me that much either. I think I am finally a spot in my life that I am content with everything that is happening. I finally have a grasp on the things that I let happen and brush off the things that will bring negativity into my life. This journey doesn’t seem to have a beginning or an ending but I know I am on the right path. The people that I have around me really give me inspiration to continue. Each apology I have made so far really makes me one step closer to who I am and where I need to be. Thank you to everyone that listened to what I had to say whether you understood where it was coming from or not and whether you felt like you needed one or even wanted to hear what I had to say. You did and I gave it to you. This process is not over. There are many more people deserving of it and I will get you each of you in due time.

I can finally say that I am at a point in my life that the Outside matches the Inside (or the carpet matches the curtains if you will). The truth really has set me free...

....untitled....

It is a great thing to be proud of who you are. Its another thing to be totally blinded by pride. Years ago, one of my best friends at the time and I had a huge falling out. We didn’t speak for many years over this. At one point, it got extremely ugly with multiple family members getting involved and it got completely blown out of proportion but at that the same time, you cannot fault family for sticking together. Anger and pride kept us from talking and working out our differences, it was also much easier to ignore it then to own up to being wrong. Things would change drastically and permanently one day.

I remember this day like it was yesterday and like the worst nightmare you can never wake up from. I was sitting at work and I get a messages that one of my closest friends for 10 years had killed himself. Accidental overdose. He had been suffering for years with depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Sometimes you just do not know what to do for a friend that is hurting so much or what you can do to ease the pain. Immediately, flights were booked home from all over the world (Poland, Hawaii, etc), pick up of friends from train stations took place and we were just trying to get everyone together so we can both mourn and celebrate his life together as a family. It was a sad but beautiful day. It was a gathering of friends that are more like family you never get see. Unfortunately, it takes an event like this to get everyone together but due to the rat race of life, it’s almost impossible for everyone be in the same place at the same time. They had 4 viewings over 2 days for him and the amount of laughs and tears shared was overwhelming. Everyone got up and told stories about our friend, all the stupid things we did together, how he will be missed and how much we cherished the time we spent together. New friends were made and bond restored with friends long forgotten about.

On the way home from the first night of the viewing, my friend who I had fought with years ago kept popping into my head. While on the parkway, I swallowed my pride and allowed myself to become as vulnerable as I knew inside that I was. Fighting back tears, I called him to apologize for what had happened between us. The problems I caused with his family and how burying a close friends put things into perspective. When you lose a family member, and I treat all my friends like family, you need to surround yourself with those you care about, strained relationships or not. The next day, I saw him for the first time in years. We gave a friendly hug and gave each other our sympathies. It was nice to see him after so long and it was also amazing how events can bring people back together.

Is our relationships perfect and/or 100 % mended? Absolutely not. Our differences still stand to this day but at the same time, we can be friendly towards one another and have conversation that was once impossible years ago. If each of us worked on mending strained relationships, imagine how much better we would all be. If we can admit our wrongs and come to terms with them and those we have hurt, your life starts to take a totally different shape. With the amount of suffering that exists in this world, we should not be adding to it with petty differences but work together to help end it.

I have thought a lot about Paul Fuller over the last few months and the things he never got to see. Good friends Adam and Bonnie getting married and expecting their first child, Amy getting married with the Hawaiian celebration, numerous record release shows, tours, graduations and all of us growing old together. He brought us all back together and it’s almost like he fulfilled some sort of duty to bring us as a family back together. Ive never written about the loss of my friend Paul and I hope this little story does him a little justice. If it wasn’t for him, I would still be angry about things that didn’t matter. RIP Paul, you are gone but in my head and my heart. I took your picture back out of storage as a reminder of how fragile life is. I do not want to lose another family member to bring all of us back together and forgive wrongs done and done to us.

...Means to an End

I think one of the hardest parts of this process is looking inside to see all of the positive and negative things you have done. The positives are the easy part. Who doesn’t like to know how great they are, it’s the negatives that hurt and sting. I have been dong a lot of thinking and self-analyzing over this past year. Until recently, I found it so easy to just ignore all the suffering I caused, never making amends to anyone I hurt. Recently, I have been calling or contacting those I hurt to apologize and give closure to the both of us. I think closing unfinished chapters is really helping me move forward and come to terms with where I am in my life. I know this is still the easy part but it can get uncomfortable at many times. It also makes it so much easier and you feel so much better once it is out in the open and we both get closure. This will continue on until my list complete. But anyone who knows me, that is a long list.

Ill publicly state this also. Sorry to all you Smiths/Moz fans. I like them after giving them a chance…Moz solo is still unlistenable.

Part II

And now, onto the new me… Well not really new, same old dude just rediscovered.

It wasn’t that I never liked who I was; I was always too self-conscious to be who I knew I could be. My weight was always my mental Achilles Heel. It wasn’t until I went to Hawaii and saw all of my old Jersey friends that had moved out there and met all the members of my new Hawaiian family that I realized the way I was living my life was over. When I left for Honolulu, I had a cold that wouldn’t go away. I had it for a few weeks but never got better. I had no choice, I was going and there was nothing anyone could do about it. 12 hours, a viewing of Used Cars, Frisky Dingo and 1 book later, I arrived (along with Lil’ Lisa) at Honolulu Airport. We had to go immediately from HNL airport to some sports bar for a joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party, which consisted of singing and drinking. As I walked in, everyone welcomed me with open arms, met some of the most amazing and positive people in this world. This was an amazing start to a life-changing journey (which at the time, I thought it was just a trip).

The next day we decided to go on a journey around Oahu and see some of the tourist and secret local spots. Bill Cashman, the Lost nerd that he is, was doing his Lost pilgrimage around the entire island. He was seeing all the places filmed, sneaking onto sets and totally geeking out. He decided to take a day off from his fanboy-ing and come for a trip to “The Spot” and hike through the rain forest for a waterfall jump. “The Spot” is this short walk off of the hiking trails along the shoreline to a point that extends into the ocean. On one side, there is a plank walk, ala pirate ship-esc, that extends 15 feet into the ocean and on the other is a rock barrier that the waves just explode on. It was beautiful. The jump however was not as dangerous as I was hoping so I never jumped in. Next stop, the waterfall. It was a 2-hour hike through a muddy rain forest to reach it. I fell 3 times – once standing still in the middle of a conversation and 2 other times into the streams. To say it was hard would be an understatement but when we got to the end and it opened up into this beautiful waterfall, it was all worth it.

There are 3 spots that you can jump from, 15 feet, 30 feet and 60 feet. Billy told me that the 60-foot jump is life changing but I didn’t believe him. So, like the moron that I am, I decided to go for it and jump from the top. To get up there, you had to climb a muddy hill using your hands and long stalks of bamboo. Once I go to the top, all bets were off. Being the heaviest I have ever been in my life, standing on a muddy ledge 60 feet above the water, I didn’t think I could do it. I had my friends yelling to jump, me yelling back OK but every time I went to jump, something inside stopped me. All off a sudden, something in my head just let go and I was in the air, flying towards the water. The second I hit the water, my shoulder dislocates and I hit the bottom (I am told no one has hit bottom before, then again, no one weighed as much as I did). As I came back up to the surface, the waterfall kept pushing me under. Since my shoulder was in my armpit, I couldn’t swim. Billy jumped into the water and pulled me out. All I could say was how amazing that was and how I wanted to reset my shoulder and do it again. It took 1.5 hours for me to get it back in but we had to hike while it was still dislocated so we could get out of the forest before it was dark. Billy was awesome and we walked through the stream since I couldn’t walk in the mud with my shoulder like it was. We sang Bad Brains most of the time and just tried to keep each other positive. My shoulder eventually reset and BOOKED it through the forest, getting out in about 45 mins. We stood outside the car talking about what just happened and how amazing it was for all of us. From that moment on, life looked a little different. I was no longer my job, my house and my anger. I was different. Just didn’t know how much. That would all come later on. My cold turned into a sinus infection on the last day. The plane ride was dreadful but I was still on my Hawaiian high. Life was different and I was enjoying every second of it. I made my own personal vow to myself that I would lose weight, go back to Hawaii and climb the Stairway to Heaven. I don’t break promises to anyone except myself but those days were long gone.

Hawaiian Rob and Kelli came to NJ/NY for Christmas and they spent a few days with me. We had some of the best laughs, meals and best times ever. They finally saw WaWa, Sentosa and the Stone Pony. I forced them to come see the Worthless United reunion during the Bouncing Souls “Home for the Holidays” shows at the Pony. I went back to being 16 during Worthless and just let go of all my pent up aggression during their set and had a great time. I knew that in 4 days (Jan 1), my life was going to become mine again, so I just let it all go. Everyone had a great time seeing Worthless (Kelli and Rob never saw them before). A few days later, I took Rob and Kelli to the city with me so they could go to Kelli’s parents house. We stood in Penn Station, we hugged goodbye and we parted ways, promising to keep in touch and to see each other soon. That was one of the hardest goodbyes I had to give in recent memory because they are 2 amazing people that inspired me on my journey. Kelli told me about this “Master Cleanse” that you do for a week and it does a complete body cleanse. I later found out that drinking of salt water was stupid and my puking was in vain. I didn’t make it the week but 3 days was good enough and I just continued eating raw foods. I also gave up drinking for good after getting completely wasted at a work Christmas lunch and after fear of losing my job, I realized drinking just wasn’t for me. Was I Edge again? No, I just choose to not drink anymore.

Along with the total diet/lifestyle change and the stopping of drinking, I decided to also take a look at the possibility of a spiritual change to go along with the physical. For the last year, I researched Buddhism as a possible path to follow. Growing up in a Roman Catholic home, going to a Catholic school for 9 years and going to church every Sunday, I always felt separated from everyone else. I understood the teachings, understood the reason people believe in it, but I never identified with it. I tried and at the same time, turned my back on the church to the heartbreak of my father. He doesn’t understand that I don’t hate God (he asks me why I hate him all the time) I just don’t know who he is and cannot identify with him. Does he know about my Buddhist journey? No. I will eventually tell him once I get further along and we can have a serious discussion about it. I need to not let my emotions get the best of me when I talk to people. The loudest one isn’t always the right one and I am beginning to understand that.

As I started to tell my close friends (and some family), the reactions have been mixed. Some really excited for me and totally understanding and excited for me, some giving me guidance on things to check out, their life experiences, etc. while some are completely negative. I am not a preacher by nature and for people to preach at me that I should pray to their God, really started to take a toll on me but I understood where they were coming from. They were deep in faith and I wasn’t. I had too many questions to ask and no enough answers and this was my time to finally discover what I was looking for. I liked who I saw on the outside (for the most part) but still had this hollow feeling on the inside. Would Buddhism fill it? No, but my own self-acceptance and inner peace would. I have been reading book after book about various meditation practices and sutras, researching temples and looking up retreats. It’s amazing how beautiful and peaceful this practice is when you dig deeper and deeper in. I am excited and nervous about what I will learn about the world but mostly about myself. I was so stuck in my work life routine that I accepted everything for face value. Now, I question what I “know” and discover the reasons for it and how to improve the outcome and even the path to get there. I am surrounding myself with some of the most amazing people and they help me stay grounded when it feels like it might start to fall in on me. It has been an amazing year for me to say the least but I am nowhere near finished!

This is the new Bean, Part I

First of all, thank you for checking this out. Unlike most of my other endeavors/commitments, I will stay on top of this and update it as much as humanly possible. This will not only be informational to you, but also therapeutic for me. I am just 5 years late on the blogging front. I am sure a lot of my friends will read this and think this isn’t really me typing. It is, I am just being serious for once. I will slip the occasional dick and fart joke in just to keep you on your toes (or a pants pooping story).

Secondly, this will be the longest thing I have written since I graduated college. But at the same time, I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, hell; I am not the same person I was 6 months ago! I guess that is the point of this. You need to know who I was in order to know who I have become.

Lastly, you may ask yourself, why he writing this? Because there are things you I need to say, get out of my head or clear my conscience before I can continue grow. Sounds weird right, imagine how it feels for me say it! I am the dude who laughs at accidents, doesn’t cry at funerals and make jokes about anyone and everyone. Will that change? Probably not, but you cannot fault me for trying.

Now, onto the real stuff….

THANK YOU!

I need to thank some people before I go any further. All of you that I speak to either daily or once a year please know that every one of you have a profound impact on my life. It can be as simple as saying hello or listening to me rant on and on about nothing. All of you helped shape me into who I am, but now its my turn to grow into who I can/should/will be. There are a super small group of people I need to call out. I will not use names, but each of you will know who you are.

Hawaii Posi Crew: When I received Amy’s invitation to her wedding, I was super stoked - both for her to be getting married and for me to get out of Jersey and see Hawaii. Little did I know, this was going to be one of the most important trips of my life. You guys saved my life. I mean this in the most serious and sincere way possible. Every single one of you that I met and spent time with changed me and saved my life. I cannot even being to think about repaying you for what you have done for me. I love every one of you more then you will even know. A piece of me is with every single one of you and I cannot wait to come back out to conquer the Stairway to Heaven.

The next person I need to thank is an extremely amazing young lady. She is one of the strongest and most sincere people I have ever met. She taught me that I am worthy of more then just being the loud one that makes everyone laugh. She knows both sides of me and showed me that I can become comfortable in who I am and comfortable around others without having to be the center of attention. People look at me as more then just the fat guy in the room. I have more to offer and I should be confidant in who I am. I can honestly say I have grown more in the last 9 months with your help than I have in the last 9 years.

Another person I need to thank is someone I hold near and dear to my heart. She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met in my life. She has a way of centering me and bringing me back from the brink with her words. Whether I speak to her or she sends me a text message, she has this ability to make all the crap that gets me down insignificant and not worthy of my negative emotions. I have told you this a million times but thank you. I have learned so much from you. Your bravery and drive is an example I am honored to follow.

Lastly, my family. My whole life, I have looked up to my brother. He is my best friend in this world. We fought a lot growing up and went through many rough patches but he has always been there for me as much as he could be. I cannot wait to go to Europe on tour with you so we can just have a good time with limited responsibility. I wouldn’t want to spend this time with anyone else but you, even though you are a douche. And my parents, I put you through hell sometimes but you always forgave me and let me learn from my mistakes. You never forced me to be anyone but myself and do what made me happy. Seeing friends that are forced to live their lives in some image that is so far from their own, I am thankful for your support and hard lined tactics. If it weren’t for the both f you being so involved in my life and supportive of my choices, I would probably be turning tricks by now, possibly. I love you guys and I feel like I am an extension of each one of you and I couldn’t be prouder to be your son/brother.

Part II coming tomorrow!